Jokes / Funny Stuff

[Xpandafan]

Mrs Pace has endured child birth 4 times now and you know what at some time or another from those 4 rug rats of ours, i've been knocked in mid section more one occasion from each of them.

So @Soaring I think I need to go buy a six pack and do some thinking.

Pace.

Ouch. We stopped at three. Had one episode where child misjudged the fall on daddy's tummy.
Once was enough. The excruciating pain was one thing, then I had to see lady a doctor who lacked any real sympathy, and mentioned something about childbirth being REAL pain!

 

[SilverFox]

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

 

[SilverFox]

King Arthur - Knights of the Round Table

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be
away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time.

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with
all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for
some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard
looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with
something, and asked him to come back in a week.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the
good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity
belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious
place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at
this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered
work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected
his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He
then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a
small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon
his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them
drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure
enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged
in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad", exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight!
Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in
my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"
But Sir Galahad was speechless.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

A friend reports reaching for his liquid Viagra during the night, which was on his bedside table. Unwittingly, he instead swigged from a container of Liquid Paper.



He awoke with a huge correction.

 

[Soaring]

A friend reports reaching for his liquid Viagra during the night, which was on his bedside table. Unwittingly, he instead swigged from a container of Liquid Paper.



He awoke with a huge correction.

Booooooo

 

[Where2nxt]

I went out to dinner with the wife the other day. I said to her, "you have a bit of gravy on your chin". She went to wipe it away.

I said "no, your other chin"
____________________
I love sleeping in my expanda

 

[Capt. Gadget]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

 

[Melon2155]

A vacuum salesman knocked on a door , and a young 14 year old boy answered the door wearing a tweed jacket with leather patches on the arms, a glass of scotch with ice in it in one hand , and a huge big cigar in the other . The salesman said " Hi , are your parents home?" The kid looks at the glass of scotch and the cigar and replies " What do you reckon"

 

[straydingo]

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde approached them she asked the trio if she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed.


"Thanks fellas. By the way, I dance in a topless bar so not much shocks me. If you want to smoke, drink, bet, swear, tell off-colour jokes or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But listen, I consider myself a decent player, so please don't try to coach me."

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."


After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a wedge and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."


The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak since I've left a tricky little putt." She then sunk the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honours, her drive landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par and had a nasty 12-foot putt for a par.


She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Scotch, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night."


The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."


The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."


The grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."

The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"


REMEMBER . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

 

[BUSH PALACE]

Strewth Capt took me ages to read that !!!!

 

[Thirstyviv]

Captn I LIKE IT!!!!

 

[straydingo]

After the Pathfinder discussion elsewhere...... A bit uncalled for but couldn't resist

Nissan Juke




Nissan Joke

 

[blacky]

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?






Because they're good at it!

 

[blacky]

A mate of mine, has started his own business!

He's making these land mines, that look like prayer mats.

He says its going well, the prophets are going through the roof!

 

[Burnsy]

A mate of mine, has started his own business!

He's making these land mines, that look like prayer mats.

He says its going well, the prophets are going through the roof!

Boom tish.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Ok @Peter Black Started it so here comes the Barrage of "Dad Jokes"

I once tried to catch some fog.... but I Mist!

 

[Capt. Gadget]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

 

[SilverFox]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face
was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the
husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable
would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed
that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this
was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the
woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had
before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her
youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with
emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you
for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks
I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Did you know that,

1. A steamroller can't roll steam!
2. You can't shear a hydraulic Ram!
3. A budgie can't fly in a footy sock