Jokes / Funny Stuff

Burnsy

Well-Known Member
Mar 26, 2012
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Newcastle
A truck driver was driving along a country road. A sign came up that read "low bridge ahead." Before he realised it the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally a police car arrived. The cop walked up to the trucks cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck eh?" The driver said, "No i was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"


What do you call a chicken with lettuce in front of it's eyes?
A chicken ceasar salad!


Just a couple of my favourites....anyone else?

Cheers.
 

straydingo

Well-Known Member
Jul 4, 2011
1,134
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Melbourne
2007-02-18_185503.jpg
2007-02-18_185503.jpg

no comment required
 
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Capt. Gadget

Obsessive & Compulsive Gadget Man
Dec 1, 2011
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Sunny Northam W.A.
www.facebook.com
Been a year since this thread was used so I thought I'd bump it


SIX BASIC RULES FOR GOOD HEALTH
1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2.F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3.F***ing refreshes you.
4.After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5.F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level !!!
SO .... REMEMBER ...
.
.
.
.
6. FISHING is good for your health
Now get your'e mind out of the gutter and go and get your rod!!
 

Pace

Well-Known Member
Sep 16, 2011
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melbourne
www.expandasdownunder.com
not a joke/ funny, more a riddle.

a couple were driving down the highway when their car broke down, so hubby says, i'll go and get help to the wife, and she is stay in the car locked till he returns. the car is a sedan with all the windows rolled up, no sunroof with all open able doors/ boots shut locked.

upon his return with help, he finds 2 people in car both dead, blood everywhere in the car and no doors/windows/boot open or any signs of forced entry.

Q: how did the 2nd person get into the car and what was the cause of death??
 

chartrock

Forum Patriarch
Staff member
Sep 26, 2010
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His wife was pregnant, had the baby while he was away and died in childbirth and the baby died from lack of care.

A bit of a morbid answer, I hope your real one is a bit more cheery. :pray2:
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any
racial or ethnic minority so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an
Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and a South African went to a night
club. The bouncer said:

"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai"
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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The Dalai Lama has worked in the garden digging flower beds for two hours every day for the past 40 years, his hands show the effects of blister upon blister upon blister. He eats the garlic he grows with a putrid effect on his breath. Age is catching up and his bones have become brittle.

He's known as the super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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Harold is an inspiration!

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. Its at these times that our hopes are boosted by the achievements of "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

To Quote Harold:
"I've often been asked, what I do with my time, now that I'm retired. Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy is converting beer and wine into urine. It's a rewarding, satisfying and fulfilling activity and I do it every day. I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to us all.
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
7. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
11. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
12. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
13. 'I am '; is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
14. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
15. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;

He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.


He moved on to the last job, Which is to collect honey from the South
African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage -
because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and
was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their wives at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.
Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room,
"and Gentlemen, remember, You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her".

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes", answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?




This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught
 

Matty4

Well-Known Member
Mar 18, 2011
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To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of *****..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
 
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Burnsy

Well-Known Member
Mar 26, 2012
2,663
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Newcastle
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of *****..

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service

Ill drink to that! :very_drunk: