Jokes / Funny Stuff

[BaxnRach]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Cricket, Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

....................................................................................................

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

 

[straydingo]

same but different - a bit like PC vs Apple



Last year a friend of mine upgraded from GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0, and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources available for other applications. He is now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and Brother-in-law Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he’d like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:

a “Don’t remind me again” button.
a Minimize button.
an install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
an option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the system’s hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 7.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 7.0 on top of Girlfriend 6.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 6.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Apparently the previous versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 6.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing — all versions of Girlfriend continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

To avoid this bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider under an atechinternet-users.gifnonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

Tech Support Suggestions

These are very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a Utilities & Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is indeed an operating system and designed by its creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 6.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 6.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 6.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 7.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under “Warnings - Alimony/Child support”. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YESDEAR to alleviate software augmentation.

Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you may have to give the C:\APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

 

[SilverFox]

What goes up must come down

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things
but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to
a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess, "I am
at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........

The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it
once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long
as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says, "The spell is broken the minute '1234' is spoken. It
will then go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

 

[SilverFox]

Four Smart Dogs

Four men were talking about how smart their dogs were. The first
man was an engineer who said his dog, T-Square, could do drafting.
He told the dog to get some paper, draw a square, a circle, and a
triangle, which he did easily. The accountant said his dog,
Spread-sheet, was smarter. He told his dog to fetch a dozen cookies,
bring them back, and divide them into piles of three, which he did
with no problem. The chemist said his dog, Beaker, was even
smarter.
He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a
ten ounce glass, which he did with no problem. The three men then
turned to the state worker and asked what his dog could do.

The state worker called his dog Coffee Break, and told him to show
the guys what he could do. Coffee Break then trotted over and ate
the cookies, drank the milk, don't be rude on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs, claimed he injured his back doing so, filed a grievance
for unsafe working conditions, applied for workers' compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

 

[Xpandafan]

Mrs got these new tea bags with Viagra in them. Hasn't done much for the love life, but no more soggy biscuits!

 

[BaxnRach]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

 

[SilverFox]

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. He's sure that
there's nobody home but he sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn't move a muscle!
A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats "I can see you! Jesus can see
you, too!"

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room.
He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. "Did you say that?"
The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"
"Hah! So what?! You're just a parrot!" says the burglar.
"I may be just a parrot", replies the parrot. "But Jesus is a Doberman!"

 

[chartrock]

A man and his wife go to bed and are just settling down when the wife stretches over and slaps the husband. Stunned, he says "What was that for?" She replies "That's for being a lousy lover. " He then reaches over and slaps her. She is shocked and asks "What was that for?" He answers "That's for knowing the difference."

 

[SilverFox]

The old lady and the bank
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
window that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she wished
to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount of money
involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of $1,000.00
dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars, he called the
president's office and saw to it that the old lady met with him.

The lady was escorted up stairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the people
that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then
asked her how she came into such a large amount of money "was it
inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she
could have come into $3 million.
"I bet" she stated.
"You bet!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bets on different things
with different people. All of the sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.00
that by 10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square". The bank president figured
that she must be off of her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet.
He didn't see how he could loose. For the rest of the day he was very
careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there
was $25,000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure
that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the same as he
always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in
at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good day, how
often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his office. With
her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose for
being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always
took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I
always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this,
but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president thought
that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to
bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything was fine.
The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head against
the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 this morning
that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Little Johnny's back
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have? Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!SIR!
A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f…..' cat!!!

 

[Capt. Gadget]

A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, and say 'Gee all I can smell is.... MOL ASSES !

 

[SilverFox]

Its Saturday evening, I've had two beers and I can't help myself. Here is another!! I hope everyone gets a laugh out of this one.......

Aliens Have Landed

Two Aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a
gas station. So, the Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around.
The first thing they see that resembles a being is the petrol pump. The
two Aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling take me to your
leader!" Of course he gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again.
"Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Of course, still no
response... The first Alien then turns to the second and says "If
this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge
me I'm going to blast him!" At that the second Alien replies "O.K.,
I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to
waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time.
"Earthling take me to your leader!" Again, no response, so the Alien
then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump... the petrol station goes
up in a huge explosion that blows the Alien down the block to his
buddy. He gets up dusts himself off and turns to the second Alien "If
you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!"
The second replies " I didn't know what was going to happen... but I'm
not going to mess with anyone who's dick can hang to the ground, wrap
around his body twice, and still hang it in his ear!"

 

[chartrock]

A flight took off from Heathrow and about 10 minutes later the speakers come to life. "This is Captain Johnson welcoming you on board flight 2304 to New York. We are just approaching our ceiling height of AAARRRGH, OH MY GOD" then silence for a minute or so. Then the captain comes on the speakers again with "My apologies, ladies and gentlemen, for the outburst. A stewardess just brought coffee into the flight crew and managed drop a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my trousers."

A voice from the back of the plane yells out "Bugger the front of your trousers mate, you should see the back of mine."

 

[Soaring]

 

[Capt. Gadget]

Here's one for the Tradies amongst us
TOOL DEFINITIONS:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4 to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

F*CKERRRR TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''F*CKERRRR'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Capt. Gadget]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... the decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

[Burnsy]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want
a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... the decision is all yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

And no more trips in the Jayco!

 

[SilverFox]

There are 4 men sitting around a bar having a deep and meaningful
conversation. They are discussing what they believe is the fastest
thing on earth.

The first man says that he thinks that "thinking" is the fastest
thing because there is always something constantly going on in peoples
minds.

The second man says that he thinks that "blinking" is the fastest
thing because it happens so often every day, and it is unstoppable.

The third man says that he thinks that "light" is the fastest thing
because as soon as you hit the light switch the light comes on.
The fourth man finally pipes up and says that he thinks that
"diarrhoea" is the fastest thing. All of the other men laugh and tease
him, finally asking him why he believes this to be true. In response,
the fourth man answers "because the other night I was in bed and before
I could "think", "blink", or turn the "light" on, I had don't be rude myself!!

 

[Soaring]

What deep thinkers men are ... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'.
At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.

Time for another beer

 

[Pace]

Mrs Pace has endured child birth 4 times now and you know what at some time or another from those 4 rug rats of ours, i've been knocked in mid section more one occasion from each of them.

So @Soaring I think I need to go buy a six pack and do some thinking.

Pace.