you get a choice of two, but they look like tv remotesWhat does the remote control look like that drives that thing?
Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
Fishing Trip
The guys were all at a fishing camp. No one wanted to room with
Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Jeez, that Bob shakes
the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older
cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They
said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into
bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
The guys were all at a fishing camp. No one wanted to room with
Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one
of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and
watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning,
same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Jeez, that Bob shakes
the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older
cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed
and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They
said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into
bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and
watched me all night."
Christmas In July Joke......
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells..'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
First Christmas Joke
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells..'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
Norwegian Coast Road
How would you like the job of building this road??!!! The road is built on several small islands and reefs, and is crossed by eight bridges, several roads and overpasses. This road a view of the open sea, which is rare on the roads along the Norwegian coast. You can see fjords and mountains near the road. The spectacular road quickly became a tourist attraction, insofar precautions should be displayed while driving, because of the attendance of the road by the local population and visitors.Imagine you are driving along this road!
CLICK HERE
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favourite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's White Wings, isn't it?
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man, 'Can you name your wife's favourite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's White Wings, isn't it?
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
THIS IS IN RESPONSE TO ALL THE RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG:
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!!!!!
YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING KEVIN 13 T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING VOTE GREENS T-SHIRTS AND NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK.
FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING,
BUT - HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH!
PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT OUR DOG!!!!!
YES, HE MAULED SIX PEOPLE WEARING KEVIN 13 T-SHIRTS, FOUR PEOPLE WEARING VOTE GREENS T-SHIRTS AND NINE TEENAGERS WITH PANTS HANGING PAST THEIR CRACK.
FOR THE LAST TIME... THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!
NO, I DO NOT APPROVE OF HIS SMOKING,
BUT - HE SAYS IT HELPS GET THE "BAD TASTE" OUT OF HIS MOUTH!
A woman’s poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.
A man’s poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a don't be rude.
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won’t be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.
A man’s poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a don't be rude.
MICROCHIP HUMOR
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
ONE OF THE YOUNG WOMEN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE
OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.
"I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM OF HER HAND TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BUTT. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT
HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!"
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
ONE OF THE YOUNG WOMEN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE
OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID.
"I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM OF HER HAND TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED,
"THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP."
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER
HANGING FROM HER BUTT. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT
HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!"
For those of us who have no idea about cricket, here is a brief explanation of the game........Cricket is quite simple. You have two sides...ours and theirs, one out in the field and one in.Each man in the side that's in, goes out,and, when he's out, he comes in, and then next man goes in until he's out. Then, when they've all been in and are all out, the side that's been in the field goes in, and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get out those coming in. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. Then, when both sides have been in and out, including not-outs, that's the end of the game.......got it now ?
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriend when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob, used to overly attentive stares, walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $50.00, on one condition."
Taken aback but nevertheless intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $50 from her purse saying, "Anything?"
"Anything - no matter how kinky."
She wrote her address on a piece of paper and pressed it into his hand with the $50. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly, meaningfully, said... "Clean my house."
Taken aback but nevertheless intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $50 from her purse saying, "Anything?"
"Anything - no matter how kinky."
She wrote her address on a piece of paper and pressed it into his hand with the $50. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly, meaningfully, said... "Clean my house."
A mother takes a bath with her five year old boy. The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?"
The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie."
The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one."
Appalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?"
The boy responds with, "I know because I saw her washing daddy's face the other day."
The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie."
The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one."
Appalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?"
The boy responds with, "I know because I saw her washing daddy's face the other day."
Sorry Ladies.
When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because women don't have wives!"
Husband to his wife: "Honey... I've invited a friend home for supper."
Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
Husband: "I know all that."
Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend home for supper?"
Husband: "Because the poor guy is thinking of getting married!"
When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men?
A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because women don't have wives!"
Husband to his wife: "Honey... I've invited a friend home for supper."
Wife: "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
Husband: "I know all that."
Wife: "Then why did you invite a friend home for supper?"
Husband: "Because the poor guy is thinking of getting married!"
The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'
To which the flight attendant replied 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'