I took the Shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up, but it just made it sluggish!
Jokes / Funny Stuff
- Thread starter Burnsy
- Start date
My new favorite: What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr Dre
Dr Dre
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey,Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!"
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!! She is a pretty lil ting,too...." Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!" Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception."
Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..." Murph said, "I'll tell you, it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40."
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. "Hey,Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!"
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, "Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!! She is a pretty lil ting,too...." Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Murph, you just had yourself another boy!" Murphy said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception."
Murphy said, "Ah yeah, during conception."
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night..." Murph said, "I'll tell you, it's a good ting we didn't use WD-40."
One for the Mathematicians amongst us
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on
the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the
squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other
two hides.
There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept
on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three
became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on
the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that... the
squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other
two hides.
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the 5hit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats the 5hit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar.
So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is
loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a
wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well,
how do I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in Nam. That's where I lost my arms
and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over 3 million a
year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he
continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're
a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is
loyal, rich and a good lover.
After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a
wheelchair with no arms and no legs.
He says, "I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well,
how do I know you're loyal?"
"Well, I saved my platoon from the VC in Nam. That's where I lost my arms
and legs," he replies.
"Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over 3 million a
year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement," he
continues.
Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Well, how do I know you're
a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
I wonder 'What' or 'Which' or 'Where', this town is named???
nothing too exciting...Porters Lake Can-a-darrrr.
Also found This And That Road, which runs into This Road in Weiser, Indiana
Kitchen Dick Road cross Woodcock road in Sequim, Washington state
Tinman Drive, Yellow Brick road, Scarecrow Crt and Cornfield Drive in Feyetteville North Carolina
Wilkinson, Indiana just gets weird; A street, B street, C street......G street, H street, I street.
Theres a lovely little rose farm on Slutshole Lane in the UK
And in San Jose California, you take the Wong Way, which ends at Wong Drive, and if you turn right off Wong Drive, you get to Wong Crt.
Google earth is fun
Also found This And That Road, which runs into This Road in Weiser, Indiana
Kitchen Dick Road cross Woodcock road in Sequim, Washington state
Tinman Drive, Yellow Brick road, Scarecrow Crt and Cornfield Drive in Feyetteville North Carolina
Wilkinson, Indiana just gets weird; A street, B street, C street......G street, H street, I street.
Theres a lovely little rose farm on Slutshole Lane in the UK
And in San Jose California, you take the Wong Way, which ends at Wong Drive, and if you turn right off Wong Drive, you get to Wong Crt.
Google earth is fun
hmmmmm......Too much time on your hands, @straydingo .
I have to use Google Earth for work....and...well...might get a little bit distracted:help:
:frusty:
(but admittedly, the first one was shown on Imgur which sorta got me thinkin....)
THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN. ITS ABIT OF A READ.
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect ~ Cerys
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect ~ Cerys
Michael Clarke has re calibrated channel 9's pitch map