Jokes/funny Stuff

mikerezny

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Sep 11, 2016
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Four retired truck drivers are walking down a street in Cooktown. They turned a corner and
see a sign that says, Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents!

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour
one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order,
the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each,
please.'
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can't
believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying,
'That's 40 cents, please..’
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'
'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'
Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'
The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the caravan park, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'
 

mikerezny

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Sep 11, 2016
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Shopping.jpg
 
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mikerezny

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Sep 11, 2016
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'. I was in my nothing box.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.
 

mikerezny

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Sep 11, 2016
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A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife’s temper.

The doctor asks, “What’s the problem?”

The man says, “Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.”
The doctor says, “I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.”
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?”
The doctor says, “The water itself does nothing. It’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”
 

mikerezny

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Sep 11, 2016
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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?
 

mikerezny

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Sep 11, 2016
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A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond earrings and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well.
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely earrings ?’

He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it
– you’re going to shite yourself when I tell you the price!”
 
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Crusty181

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Feb 7, 2010
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Mentone, VIC
After 60 years of marriage, Dwight and Barbara were very happy together. But their advanced age came with its downsides – namely, their sex life was nowhere to be found. That is, until one night… As they were lying in bed watching TV, when Barbara woman suddenly felt her husband touching her in a way that he hadn’t for a long time. It almost tickled as his hand touched her neck, and then slowly wandered down to her waist. He caressed her neck, grazed her breast, then traveled further down, to rest on her lower belly. He then continued up along the inside of her arm, along her left side, once again grazing her breast, lightly touching her behind, then her inner thigh, coming to rest on her upper thigh. He then repeated the procedure, this time on her right side. Suddenly he stopped, just rolled over, and started watching the TV. Barbara had become quite aroused by his caressing, and she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful, dear. But why did you stop?” Dwight replied absent-mindedly, “I found the remote!”
 

mikerezny

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Murphy applied for a fork lift operator position at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin.

A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job.”

Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.”

Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong.”

Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?”

Manager "Simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down,

'I don't know.’


You put down,

'Neither do I.’
 

mikerezny

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A woman bought a very sick duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles has passed away”

The distressed women wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead” replied the vet.

“How can you be sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the women and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he then handed to the women.

The duck’s owner, still in shock took the bill, “$300!” she cried, “ $300 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been only $50, but with a Lab Report and a Cat scan it’s now $300.
 

BaxnRach

Active Member
Apr 5, 2013
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Cobram Vic
A mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper of 20 years, Guido, has cheated him out of $10 million. Guido is deaf which is why he got the job in the first place. The Godfather assumed that since Guido could not hear anything, he could never testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his personal lawyer because he knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 

BaxnRach

Active Member
Apr 5, 2013
107
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Cobram Vic
A woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.

He says "What do you want with arsenic?

She says "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."

The pharmacist says "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, even if he is having sex with another woman."

So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."
 

BaxnRach

Active Member
Apr 5, 2013
107
189
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Cobram Vic
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first year medical students. It was not an exciting subject so the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your a--hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Usually golfing with his buddies."

It took considerable time to restore order in the classroom..
 

Drover

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Nov 7, 2013
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Experts predict that computers will one day replace paper altogether.

They've obviously never tried to wipe their arse with a laptop.
 
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Drover

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Just another Day on the Farm

A Farmer wants to know how many Sheep he has in his Field so he asks his Border Collie to count them.

The Dog runs out into the Field and counts them, and runs back to the Farmer.

The Farmer says ‘’how many’’?

The Dog says ‘’40’’

The Farmer is surprised and says ‘’how can there be 40-I only bought 38’’

The Dog says ‘’I rounded them up’’